I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
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How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.