No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
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Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.