I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
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My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect