They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
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i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.