when you are just born a rebel
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Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.