DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
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me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer