Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
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Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it