Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
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A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.