[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
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*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.