Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
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her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube