I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
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You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Before & after 😅
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
Breakfast for Stoners:
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.