Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
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Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Jesus Christ lmao