*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
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Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
That’s fair
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
bias laundering edition
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.