barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
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One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol