Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
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I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person