My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
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Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”