Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
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Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science