That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
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ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
Watermelon Boss!