I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
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Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY