When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
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Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
work smarter, not harder
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.