I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
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She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Monica just destroyed the internet
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Go hard or stay average
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man