Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
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The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it鈥檚 important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
I gave up going to work for lent.
Is this you?
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
2022 will be better than 2021
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 馃槣
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven鈥檛 seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I鈥檝e never had seix?
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
This is Damn delicious!馃構馃構馃構
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.