This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
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This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Cndnsd Mlk
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Cha-ching is my safe word