One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
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Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water