My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
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“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
scares
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
How is it still this week?
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.