Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
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You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people