[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
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ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
this independent good boy don’t need no human
X-tra spooky blend
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.