Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
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My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
What is going on? 😅
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help