Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
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a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you