GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
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I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Merry Christmas
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.