*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
You Might Also Like
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
cats when you pet them too long:
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.