I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
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*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
#Caturday
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
house sitting!
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….