ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
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Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
dads on road-trips be like
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
12. I think about this all the damn time
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.