Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
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every. time.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
The honesty is refreshing
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath