*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
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What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers