#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
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Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Shortcut
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.