Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
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I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.