My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
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Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…