Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
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DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”