You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
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If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
smh
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.