Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
You Might Also Like
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.