How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
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hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Lmao
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.