Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
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Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”