I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
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*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
pls suprot
Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.