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don’t we all
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
it was a valiant fight
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.