These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
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me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Rich people don’t understand cereal
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.