Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
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since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.