This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
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Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!