Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
You Might Also Like
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.