[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
You Might Also Like
Straight people are cancelled
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
Breaking news:
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*